Response 5: I have to get out of this place

The most obese people in Europe. Blame those foodie programmes. I’d switch over but Tracy lost the remote.

The most constipated people in Europe. At least the loos beat those holes in the ground.

The least successful football team in Europe. Those who can do. Those who can’t watch foreigners do it for us down the boozer on Sky.

The poorest language skills in Europe. Whadda ya you mean you don’t speaka de English, Pedro!

The most divided society in Europe. And be careful where you put those dirty boots when you’re parking my Bentley.

The worst teenage pregnancy rates in Europe. What with council houses so hard to find round here, too!

The longest working hours in Europe. See the 9 to 5 sequel , 9 to 8.30. And lunch is cancelled.

Have to get out of this place. Or it will be the last thing I ever do.